I did actually make a quilt square for 2 months DTE, and kind of hated the "2" that I put on it...plus we had a LOT going on so I never blogged.
So here is the update for months 2 & 3!
I am realizing that these posts will likely become more like personal monthly updates rather than just adoption-related posts. I'm ok with that- as I'm realizing that I need to spend more time "journaling" anyway.
Month 2 of being DTE was...a little depressing. I think it really hit me that we will be waiting for a LONG TIME. There are some days where I am so full of hope that this wait time is not so overwhelming, but here recently they have been fewer and fewer. On top of that I am becoming more and more aware of the future challenges we'll face while we try to bond with our daughter and live as a family who doesn't "match". I've been shocked at myself- moments where I realize my own bits of racism and judgmental attitude. It's a little scary. I want to be able to prepare and know exactly what's to come, and though I can read and ask friends about it, being fully prepared is impossible. Moments of fear like this make me so thankful that I know several others who have gone before me, and have already been such great sources of encouragement.
We've continued to hear tough news from our agency about new regulations being put in place, in an effort to increase the integrity of the Ethiopian adoption process. Longer wait times, more paperwork. There have been only a few referrals in the last month (the courts close for the rainy season in Ethiopia this time of year). It's made the wait feel even more endless. I do have complete trust in our agency and the work they are doing, however. It's just tough not to get selfish. We are a part of a private online group of families adopting from ET within our agency. Sometimes it is the only place where these waiting adoptive parents can voice their frustration (which really only adds to mine), but there has been so much wisdom come from this group as well. These are the truths that I am holding on to:
• God's timing is perfect.
• He has my best (which is also His glory) in His plan. I need to trust that.
• "...but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. " Psalm 34:10
• "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose" Romans 8:27-28
Maybe it's just that my eyes have been more opened since we started this process, but I have been continually encouraged to see lots of friends and acquaintances begin the adoption process as well! It is making me wonder if there is a shift going on generationally- that maybe my generation will see adoption as an equally legitimate path to family building. I hope so and that is my prayer.
In other news, we sold our house and are in the process of closing on a new one! Friends, I cannot even begin to tell you what a blessing this is. While buying/selling a house is not something I would like do every five years, I am glad that things have gone so smoothly. When we closed on our first home 5 years ago, I remember thinking, "there is NO way this couldn't have been orchestrated by God. So many things had to go right just to get us to this one place". And it's true. We've been saving for a down payment in addition to the adoption for quite a while now, and all of the sudden, we had saved our goal amount. The next thing we knew, our house was on the market, and it sold within 3 days! After searching and searching for a new home (more space was the biggest priority) we made offers on 3 different homes only to find out they were under contract by the time we'd submitted the offer. It was a rollercoaster of emotion. But finally, we found one we loved. One we could see ourselves never outgrowing or over-improving.
Though I know that I am not made whole by any material thing, this house is such a big promise to me. I am still very much dealing with the history of multiple miscarriages/pregnancy loss, which hits me at weird times, in weird ways.
I was driving down the road one day and the thought came to me that my future daughter will likely come to us with the pain of having lost people she loves but has never met (her biological mother/father). I know what that feels like. I know that this hurt is a gift to me. In God's way, he has connected my heart with hers on a level I would not have known had I not also lost children I love.
In the midst of loss, I have hugged tighter to the gifts I've been given- Shawn, Knox, my extended family, caring friends, any little thing I can find as a reminder of God's promises for us, His children. This new home has so much promise for us. The promise of security, of shelter, of family meals and playtime, and more family members. :)
