It's such a bittersweet feeling- knowing that I am finally writing this blog post- acknowledging the fact that seeing it written out in black and white will scare me a bit and cement this story even further into my past and my future.
If you've been reading my blog for a while you may have noticed the lack of "personal" posts in the past year or so. Some of that has been due to the fact that I became a Mom (and realized how valuable my time is with my baby), and some of that is because there has been a lot going on that is not so easy to share. One of my goals for this next year is to get back to doing some more personal posts- mostly because this is MY blog. Yes, of course, it is very much about my clients and friends who honor me with the opportunity to document their stories- but my story also needs to be documented here for it to be a true picture of life.
This story begins about a year ago- my baby had just turned 1 year old and I remember being at his birthday party and realizing, "He really isn't a baby anymore- wow...". And if course the next thought that came to me was, "Holy cow- we'd better get on this baby-making business if we are going to fulfill my perfect plan of babies 2 years apart!". Haha- looking back I should have known then that my plans are so, so imperfect next to God's plans. He's proven it to me time and time again, and each time I've been thankful that He's in charge of my life, and that I am not.
Just a few months later in June, I found out I was pregnant! Shawn and I were excited, but I never let myself get too excited. I think I just knew...and about a week later, it was confirmed- I was having a miscarriage. We were devastated, but I was in the middle of wedding season and so I didn't have much time to mope. I do think that this was a good thing- I needed to be busy, and God revealed to me through other circumstances just how blessed we were. You can believe I was squeezing Knox just a little tighter. :)
During the fall we were able to relax a bit more and my work shifted from engaged and married couples to families. Shawn and I even got to go visit our friends in Germany for a couple of weeks! That time was so precious and completely refreshing. (More on that trip later). To top off the autumn, we found out that we were pregnant again in November! After already experiencing miscarriage, I knew that I didn't want to keep the pregnancy a secret for long- we NEEDED that team of friends and family there to pray for us as we hoped for a successful pregnancy and trusted God with it. We told our families at Thanksgiving, and not long after, experienced another, this time more heart-wrenching, miscarriage.
I wish I could say that I had complete closure about it. I DID have (and continue to have) a great group of family, friends, and my husband (who was mourning in his own right). I am so thankful that I know they are constantly praying for us. Really, though- as simple as it sounds, I just knew it wasn't God's timing. I had to trust that and keep walking.
In the weeks since, Shawn and I have gotten to celebrate another birthday with Knox (he is now a 2 year old rambunctious, beautiful mess), and started making some new goals for our family. We decided we'd focus on a new house. We've wanted to move houses for a few years now, and...why not? So we set a goal amount for a down payment and began to save.
One night last week I was frustrated. Not about anything important, really- I was just. irritated. And nothing could explain it. Cranky. Unpleasant. (I'm sure Shawn could throw some adjectives in there.) He asked me what was wrong. I said I wanted to buy some new bedding for the guest bedroom, and clearly couldn't because of this giant downpayment goal we had. His response was, "Buy the bedding. Use some of the $300.00 we were going to pur toward savings this month. It's not that big of a deal". (I'm sure he knew that would silence the huffing and puffing.) Ok! Instantly I was better.
Later that evening we began talking about adoption. This is not an unusual conversation for us to be having, really. We've known we would adopt since before we started dating. We decided we had no idea how it all worked, and that maybe we should begin to find out for future reference. So I messaged some friends and family I that I knew had adopted for some advice.
That night we found ourselves pouring over agency websites and watching one testimony video after another. Seeing those faces and knowing the longing that those parents felt just melted us. Suddenly the guest bedroom bedding was at the very bottom of the list. It didn't even compare to the faces we saw on the screen. We asked ourselves, "Well, what's next?" To get started, we had to apply. And the fee was exactly $300.00. It was clear to us what that money was for!
Since then we have been accepted to the Ethiopia program through our adoption agency, America World. We are so, so excited to begin this journey. We know it may take almost 2 years. Are we planning on having more biological children? Yes. Was this the order we thought it would be in? No. But we are trusting that it is the PERFECT timing. My heart is full knowing that God hears my desire to have a full house of kiddos. Our story is not over.
So here we go- our adventure continues!